Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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