Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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