i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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