this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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