also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize