What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
