it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize