cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
