at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
