I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
