Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
