i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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