Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
