My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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