Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
