i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
