if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
