when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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