Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I love you. Go after that dick
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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