i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
