so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
