highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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