He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
