dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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