so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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