all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
