just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Boobs are out for the taking
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
