Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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