my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
please come you make the beer taste better
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
