I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
