Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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