i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
