this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
