just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
