i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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