I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Let's paint friendship bongs
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
