all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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