I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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