I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
