Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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