I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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