Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
