you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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