my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
