i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
