the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
