Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it was like eating out sand paper
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
