a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize