Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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