i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Randomize
