i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
