there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Randomize
