I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize