She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
