I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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