Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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